Graduation

Tomorrow is my graduation from high school! I can't believe it. It seems like I have been in school a lifetime, but really my life is only beginning. It will be a wonderful day...and I will probably be busy for 24 hours! Haha I am sad that school is ending, but I am excited for new and wonderful things in the years to come!

Looking for the light.

Why not God?

I would love you with all I have.

17

These are the last couple hours of my childhood. Today is a sad day. I have been thinking so much this week about elementary school, and all the wonderful adventures I had. Although I have been building up to this for years, it is just hard to believe it is actually here. A part of me will always be a child at heart...I will always love the park, ice cream on a hot day, and jumping on trampolines. Tomorrow, in many ways, is a new chapter of my life and I am going to make sure it is a good one. There will be many wonderful adventures and memories in the years to come!

Goodnight everyone!

I suck at Mondays. I should have stayed in bed.

Nearly a week.

On Sunday April 24, I will turn 18. This year, my birthday is on Easter Sunday. At first I was sort of upset about it, but I am okay with it now. I am just sad. Sad that a chapter of my life is coming to an end forever. I can see this coming week being very bittersweet.

I have never been so bothered before by not being able to have my questions answered about God.
I don't understand God at all....and I probably never will. How much of what is in this world was intended?

Half decent Monday

Dear World,

Thank you for a half decent Monday. It was sort of surprising. Who knew that I could start the day crying my eyes out and end it with a smile on my face.

9am this morning my friend Kelsey and I contemplated the nature of God. It was a good talk. It is amazing how a simulating conversation can improve my mood so much. The major theme in the talk was the question "Does God implement attraction between people?" Maybe I will blog more about that later. For now I am going to go take some Nyquil and read Heart of Darkness until I fall asleep!

Goodnight!
-Lexi

Tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?

Sick.

Illness has taken me over. I woke up yesterday morning with a strange feeling in my throat and I knew it was only a matter of time before I would be battling whatever decided to inhabit my body. Lucky for me, today was Friday and I was able to miss school and sleep all day. In a way this was exactly what I needed. I got some much needed sleep - all together probably 16 hours, and I also got to miss my chem quiz which with my lack of health, sleep, and understanding would have been a disaster. Eventually I was going to get sick. I have not been sleeping, and I have been way to stressed. As strange as it sounds maybe this cold was exactly what I needed to get me back on my feet. Hopefully by Monday I will be as good as new.

China

I am disappointed in myself. I forgot to post yesterday. I am so tired I can't even think clearly. Actually...I am so tired I can't even sleep. Rough week, not really feeling the love.

Before I go to bed, I would just like to send out a prayer request. Please pray for China. Crazy things are happening over there, and the country is going through major changes. Christianity is spreading, and the underground church is growing- but there is still a long way to go. Did you know that 1/5 people in the world live in China? That is huge!

Anyway, that is all for now. I know I have already failed my lent commitment but I will continue to write. See you tomorrow.

I care about you too much, to really care about anything else right now.

Sunshine, come and help me sing.

So, I am tired of snow. It is alright for a while. It can be really pretty, and it seems to calm down the earth in the darkest moments of the night but when it snows nearly a foot on the 2nd of April it gets to be a little bit too much. That being said however...it was fun to do this:
My dad and I always take pictures of the massive snowfalls. We had no pictures for this year though. The atmosphere must have known.

I am on a strict no thinking policy. Haha It has almost turned into an intense inside joke between me and my best mate Claire. But at the same time- I am totally serious. I over-think everything. So I have decided that I am just going to take a break for a while and be happy.
Today however...I had to work. I hate my job. I cant even pretend it is okay anymore. This summer I am seriously going to be looking for a change of employment. I am not going to write about it, it is too depressing. So you are probably wondering why I brought it up at all? Well. Today my job induced thinking.

Hmmm, what else do I have to share? Currently I am listening to the lovely band Switchfoot. It has been years since I really took the time to listen to them, but I love them just as much as I always have.

Sunshine, won't you be my mother?

Sunshine, come and help me sing

My heart is darker than these oceans

My heart is frozen underneath

We Are

Crooked souls trying to stay up straight

Dry eyes in the pouring rain while

The shadow proves the sunshine

The shadow proves the sunshine

Two scared little runaways

Hold fast till the break of daylight when

The shadow proves the sunshine

The shadow proves the sunshine

Oh Lord, why did you forsake me?

Oh Lord, don't be far away (away)

Storm clouds gathering beside me

Please Lord, don't look the other way...

April 2

Dear spring, it is nice to see you. You are rather white and fluffy this year.

Late night creativity.

Ah! Creativity is flowing through me so fast it is leaving me breathless and with a stomach full of butterflies!!! Stupid how I sit and wait for creativity...when it is always waiting for me.

Television

The reason I don't consistently watch television:

About a year ago I purchased How I Met Your Mother season one but I have never really taken the time to watch it. Don't get me wrong, I love this show- probably because I find Neil Patrick Harris hilarious Haha. I just never really bother to consistently watch a show every week, even if the show is as awesome as How I Met Your Mother.

Despite my usual routine I laid on the couch for 4 hours today watching the first season. It was incredibly good and extremely intriguing, but I am now reminded why I never watch television. I am a crazy romantic and a sucker for awesome scripts. For my own good I should never watch a sitcom again. Back to Cake Boss, Nate, and CNN.

Gone forever.

Releasing the chains to my inner most self.

Quite moments deep inside casted away.

Am I still the same? No.
I can not stay the same-
the wind has come to take me away
nothing can stay the same.
I will never come back home.

Cheating.

I feel like I am cheating by posting so late at night. I haven't even gone to bed since the last time I posted, but technically it is the next day- so why not write something right now?

I am never going to think again. I will just live every moment completely and fully. Thinking has done me no good.

Lent.

I didn't give up anything for lent, but I now know what I will add to my life for lent. I will blog something every single day from now until Easter.

Time is like the wind. Sometimes it rests for a while, and other times it moves at the speed of light.

The beginning of the past destruction.

Okay, so it has been a long time since I have written anything. I guess I sort of gave up on my blog. Blogging is a hard thing, and it is easy to give up when you feel like it is going nowhere. I didn't have the heart to delete it though, and I still felt like there was something left here for me. Today proved to me that there is. I have a lot of things that I have been thinking about, and in the next little while I am going to take the time to write about some of it. I am an angry writer. I will hold every frustration and pain inside, I will think about it day after day and week after week, until finally I get "the feeling". This feeling hits me quite suddenly, it is the feeling of being on the extreme edge between recovery, and complete despair. At this point, I begin to write. I will neatly gather all my cluttered thoughts, and organize them into structured words and sentences....and finally when I have done that to the best of my ability I will let it all go, pick myself up, and move forward. So I will start now.

I am not happy. For now though, I must sleep.