and I am done.

letting go/giving up

I was talking to my friend Claire last night about something interesting. The difference between letting go, and giving up. We decided that when a person gives up it is because there is still something left. Giving up is like running away. It is an attempt to forget about pain. But letting go is when you have done everything you possibly can do but there is still something missing-and all there is left to do is wish for the best and move forward. I think letting go is the hardest thing a person can do. Letting go is through love, giving up is through anger. I think that letting should feel okay. True love will set you free.

What I thought I was letting go of, I am really just giving up on. Which makes me sad.

Anyway, it was just a thought.

I am so ridiculous. Haha what a strange month.

You know what is weird? How often I find myself bored, and wanting excitement- but then I procrastinate enough to fall behind. Truthfully, it makes no sense.

Wake me up when September ends.

Goodbye Summer

Thank you for the lovely visit. I wish it could have been more. I am feeling a loss. I am feeling what could have been. But the joys are frozen in time....or in winter. =)

What is wrong with me?

I am moving in reverse. It is uncomfortable, and it is making me anxious. I need a nice long hug.

Hello summer lovers!

Hello everyone. My goodness, what a long time it has been since I last wrote something with substance and life here. I don't know where I went. It seems like I went on a little journey, away from the things that cause me to question the ground I stand on. Of course I was still living, and enjoying summer, and the beautiful sunshine. But I think I lost my desire to be patient, and accepting for a while.

This summer I have worked a lot, and truthfully I think I have exhausted my current job. I have been working there over 2 years, and I am honestly shocked I have been able to manage it for this long. It is just too repetitive, impersonal, and emotionally taxing. Unfortunately I can not leave, and I have numerous reasons why. I just really need to have a job at this point in my life. I need an income, I need to be paid as well as possible, and with my hectic schedule...I need to be on a union. Haha So, I will be there for a while.

After perhaps the hardest, and worst year of my life...having some time to waste has been nice. I have had time to see people, sleep, draw, explore, and do lots of other wonderful things.

However...during the summer I really realize how important it is for me to have some sort of a schedule. Even though I am disorganized, and usually my life is falling apart to some degree, with a schedule I am reminded of the important things in my life. And maybe even the things I should learn to let go of.

A couple weeks ago I was having a hard time with people. I was fed up with people lying, and holding onto things that they cant commit to. I was in need of a little stability, and love I guess. But, like most things, it passed as time went on. I am still living, and able to write to you now. I think I had a hardcore writers block. I honestly couldn't write, and after a while I didn't even want to.

I am feeling a little bit scattered with my thoughts right now. But I am pleased with this post.

I hope you all are having a wonderful summer. It is soon to come to an end, but there is still a little time for fun!

Bye bye for now,
Lexi

The whole world is on my chest, and I just can't breathe in enough air. Why do I stand and take it? I'm not fighting my own war, I am fighting yours. So who is fighting mine?

Do you ever get the feeling that the world is passing you by? Or is it the other way around? Maybe you are passing the world. If that is the case...then it really doesn't matter because nobody will pay attention anyway. Whatever. I like this picture.

“But there are a thousand ways to look at it: maybe the strings break, or maybe our ships sink, or maybe we’re grass — our roots so interdependent that no one is dead as long as someone is still alive. We don’t suffer from a shortage of metaphors, is what I mean. But you have to be careful which metaphor you choose, because it matters. If you choose the strings, then you’re imagining a world in which you can become irreparably broken. If you choose the grass, you’re saying that we are all infinitely interconnected, that we can use these root systems not only to understand one another but to become one another. The metaphors have implications. Do you know what I mean?”

—	Quentin Jacobsen

God.

Hello everyone. It has been a long while since I last posted anything with thought or substance. So, now I will. I am going to share Friday, May 14th with you. I wasn't going to write about that day, because for many of you what I am going to talk about is irrelevant. Which is fine. You can think anything you want.

I have never been a person to preach religion, it doesn't do any good. I have my opinions and you can have yours - it won't change anything in my mind. Many people that know me actually have no idea about what I believe in. Sometimes I just don't feel the need to share.

People will walk around proclaiming their love for God, and attempt to change the way people live by converting them to Christianity. Whatever. Does that make you a good person? No. I don't love people so that God will love me. I love people simply because I love them. I am kind to people because in a world full of sadness and hurt, it is the least I can do.

Don't worry! I am getting to the punch line soon! =) I just have a little story that put a smile on my face.

Friday morning I had my math cumulative exam at 7:30am. I am awful at math. I have struggled through all of high school math, which is probably because I didn't care to learn in junior high. Haha What a fool. Anyway, yeah...math is usually bad. I am lucky when I get 75%. So as you can imagine I was pretty stressed about this exam. It was worth a fair bit, and I really need to pull up my grade in this last month of school.

I tried to study all Thursday night and failed. I am so tired and distracted these days that I didn't get any studying done. I didn't end up going to bed until 12am. I just sat there, stressed and thinking. I texted a girl whom I worked with last summer at a children's camp, and asked her to pray for me. This is something I never do. I usually just drift through life, taking things as they come. But I talked to her anyway, and then went to sleep.

I woke up at 5am to have another attempt at studying. "Last minute cramming" is a better term for what I did. I go into school early, not feeling good, not looking good, and definitely not ready for the cumulative. The test is 40 multiple choice questions. I first go through everything I know how to do first, which took about an hour and I had only finished 20 questions. I had 30 minutes left to do everything I don't understand. I guessed A LOT of the questions. I walked out at 9am, positive that I had failed.

3rd period my math teacher hands back all the exam scores. I got an 80%! I couldn't even believe it. Out of 40 people I ranked 6th. This is the first math exam in high school that I have ever reached 80. So was it God? Who knows? But for me...it was incredible.

Friday nights are not my favorite. I usually end up sitting alone for most of the night, with way to much time to think. This last Friday was no different. I was a little bit sad, but I was drawing and listening to music so I was doing alright. At around 11pm my facebook chat opens with a message from my friend Nick. I worked with him in the summer, and we had not talked in a couple months. He asks me how I am, and if I have been doing okay. He told me that he just got the feeling that he should ask. I found this interesting, and seeing as I am pretty curious I asked him why. He told me that it must be God. He had just been sitting on youtube listening to music when it lead him to talk to me.

It was just simple, no major production. But it was something I needed. What is interesting, is that both of these events happened in the same day.

When all is wrong, simple love is the answer.

You are probably thinking now...so what? Is that really God? And do you know what I have to say to that? Nothing. I don't have an answer for you. You can take from this what you want.

Happy Sunday in May.
Love, Lexi.

Ps. I didn't correct errors in this, it is too long =)

There is a reason for having cute kitten pictures.

Dear World,

Could you kindly pick up your heels? That would be very nice.

Where did I go?

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends.

BeanBagChair!

I want this.

All I need in my house is this chair...
Apples to Apples and-
Grilled cheese supplies.

The end.

Oh golly!

^The title of this post is my new catch phrase. I don't know where I picked it up, but it has stuck. You will all be annoyed and want to hurt me. Oh golly! =)

It has been 16 days since I posted here! Maybe a new record? I don't know.

Spring is in the air, which will give me more time outside. I think that is what I need. I need time to stand still for a little while.
Be loved.
-Lexi

A Great Start!

March 1st + Monday = Not good.

Hello everyone! It is Monday, and Mondays are no good. I am never ready for this day. I wake up with no time to get ready, my homework is not done, and there is definitely no finish line in view. I drift through the day, barely conscious and try to maintain the happy face. Today is the first day of March and it is unfortunate it landed on a Monday - even a Tuesday would have been better. So anyway, not the greatest start to the week, or the month. Don't get me wrong, I am doing fine. Things are clear as a bright spring day, and that is the problem. I am just noticing way too much. This is my rant I guess. I am entitled to those from time to time.

To lighten my life today, I spent some time on urbandictionary.com.

Mondayism
A stupid mistake that occurs when you are sleepy
1+1=3 This is a mondayism.

Mondayness
When everything seems to be going wrong, like on a Monday.
"This Thursday's been full of mondayness."

Mondayed

The act of struggling to get through the working day without putting in an ounce of work. Named for the day that most people do the deed itself. Mondaying is a complex activity, including coffee, internet and a theatrical element- pretending to work - whenever people walk past.

"I was totally Mondaying all day today."

"I was hungover and couldn't be bothered; I just Mondayed."

Monday
The reason Sunday's suck.
Monday...rarely are they worth noting.

I think that is all I have to say for now. I hope that those definitions made you laugh.

Enjoy the rest of your Monday. Haha

Bye for now.
-Lexi

February comes to an end.

Hello everyone. I have been bad to post this month, and for this- I am sorry. Yes, I am apologizing again- more for me than for you. If anyone actually cares about this blog, I am sorry to have not posted in over 3 weeks. When I like a blog, I will check for new posts almost everyday- with the hope that I will be able to dive further into peoples personalities and interests. So if this is you for my blog, that is quite unfortunate. Here is my last post for the month!

I hope you all had a lovely month filled with hearts and flowers!
I would have to say that the best thing about this month was the Olympics. I have never watched the television so long in my life. It was awesome and exciting every single day. I didn't miss a moment. I only wish that I could have been there to see the action for myself. Someday I will attend the Olympics. I will add it to my non existent goals list. Haha

I am going to leave you with a saying that had me thinking, and striving for change. Its truth is undeniable.

"Hurt people, hurt people."

Think about it.

Goodnight!

Don't bother asking me how I am,
it's not like you are going to benefit anyway.

Tegan and Sara

Hello world. I am now going to take time to talk to you about the greatest concert I ever went to. Tegan and Sara- January 8 2010. Pure awesome. I remember a year ago saying that if there was ever a concert I could not miss, it would be Tegan and Sara. Thanks to Claire, my amazingly awesome friend who makes my life better, and thanks to pure luck in hearing about this incredible show, we scored tickets in October and had months to gain anticipation. We bought tickets before their latest album "Sainthood" even came out. Truthfully, I heard that album at the end of October and was pretty disappointed. I was worried, because I knew that majority of their concert would have these songs. Anyway, more about that later.

After months of growing excitement, January 8 comes to be. It is a Friday night, and all is going as planned. We arrive at the Jubilee Auditorium early- with enough time to get in, find our seats, and prepare for greatness. One thing I love about the Jubilee Auditorium is that everything is professional and on time.
At exactly 7pm the opening band - An Horse - walks out onto the stage. They are a musical duo from Australia, that are slowly making their way into the music scene. I enjoyed them very much. They played for about half an hour...
Without much time or trouble the stage is readjusted, as the crowd listens to music and anxiously awaits.
The song Sunshine Lollipops and Rainbows blasts through the speakers, the lights dim, and Tegan and Sara walk out onto the stage.
They blow my mind. Their sound is amazing, and they play with so much passion that it could knock you over. I always had been pulled in by their personalities, but this concert reminded me why. They are pure artists, and real people.
I also enjoyed their new album much more live. It gave me a new appreciation for their evolving music style.
They played a total of 27 songs- including an acoustic encore performance. They made sure to include the old favorites, which made it all the more awesome for me. It was fantastic. I wish it could have been longer. I wish I could have gone to the show the following day!
I fell back in love with their raw emotion and quirky sound.
To finish off the awesome night, Claire and I got the opportunity to meet An Horse! Pretty awesome. We shook hands, grabbed a picture, and I purchased their album.
We walked towards the door, still taking in everything that happened. We sit down next to the heater, and patiently wait. There is no rush.

Back to existence.

Hello to all the people who read my blog. Today at exactly 3:30pm I floated back into existence. Before that time I was in the hell of exam crunching. Now...because of my lazy tenancies when it comes to school, by the time exams come around it is a big deal. Then throw the fact that I suffer exam anxiety on top of that and I am just about ready to die.
So anyway I think that life ended after Friday January 8. All I remember is going to Tegan and Sara and then everything after that turned into a constant blur. I studied until I had migraines. My temper took a turn for the worst. Jerk? Yes, I was. I had no patience for anybody. During this time I went to endless tutorials, and sat in the cafeteria at school for countless hours. It is during these times that you really realize who your true friends are, AND how awesome they are. Seriously anybody that would put up with me being a totally bitch deserves a metal.
I have to take time to write about Jill. She made everyday this week better for me. On Monday, Jill, (who is holding a very high average and really doesn't need to study) drives me to her house after a day of tutorials and we studied Chemistry from 4pm to 8:15pm -which truthfully was just her teaching me everything. Tuesday, she calls me after a morning Chemistry tutorial and asks me what I am doing. I tell her I am probably just going to go home and study more. But instead of that she drives to the school, sits with me in the cafeteria for half an hour studying, then we drive to Booster Juice and Safeway to get lunch, THEN after all that... she drives me home. =) Wednesday she sits with me on the phone for at least an hour and a half as we work through some review questions. Then today, she comes to the school by 9... calls me, and tells me to come out to the front parking lot so that we can go grab starbucks! She also brings me a water bottle because I forgot mine at home, then we sit and study for the next 4 hours before our exam. Oh....and she drives me home! What an amazing person. It makes me both incredibly happy, and it also gives me a feeling of unworthiness.
Hmmm who else? Oh! Mike, a very nice boy with crazy A.D.D. Haha He not only distracted me from studying basically everyday...but he also made me laugh. =)
I am going to stop rambling on now. I am just really grateful for awesome people. Plus, I am very happy I am done with exams. For the next week I am going to be in complete bliss with little to no responsibilities. I am going to try and forget that I know 2 of my exam marks already and try not think about anything school related until second semester starts. Goal for the next portion of school- no procrastination. Hey...no laughing! This is going to happen. Well, that is pretty much all I wanted to say. This coming week is going to be legendary. More exciting than Christmas! Thanks for reading this long blog, I apologize in advance for poor grammar. I can't bother caring right now. =)

-Lexi

Ps. Next blog = Tegan and Sara.

Ugh.

As much as I try to resist from writing on my blog about sadness...some days are just awful. Today I laughed, I walked in the sunshine, and I saw people I love. But for some reason those things were unable to break through to me.

A heart full of things to say, but who shall I tell?

Nothing monumental.

I am not at a loss of words. I am freely flowing, and the killer ache of feeling like I need to express is not as intense. It has been over 2 weeks since I wrote here. A lot has happened, but nothing really monumental. Although I did go see Tegan and Sara in concert....which I will be blogging about later. I dislike school. It has consumed my life and I have no time for anything. So, I am going to stop writing here now and go study. See you in a week. Here is a picture that will make you smile.


-Lexi

2010

Christmas passed, as was expected. Joy will flow at will. Festivities carry on....and with a push and a shove it could last. It is now 2010. A new decade. May it be excellent- and better than the last. Do I have any resolutions? Not really. There are many things I wish for, but if I commit.....I feel as though the pressure will hold me back.
So all there is left to share....is a song.

So this is the new year
and I don't feel any different
the clanking of crystal
explosions off in the distance (in the distance).

So this is the new year
and I have no resolutions
for self assigned penance
for problems with easy solutions.

So everybody put your best suit or dress on
let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
as thirty dialogues bleed into one.

I wish the world was flat like the old days
then I could travel just by folding a map
no more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
there'd be no distance that can hold us back.

There'd be no distance that could hold us back

So this is the new year...

- Death Cab For Cutie - The New Year